by Alex Poletti
A spiritual and physical journey reached an abrupt end for Hershey, Pennsylvania, native Jack McCreary on Monday, as he entered the threshold of Heinz Field hoping for an open expanse of mustard, only to find a shitty Pittsburgh Steelers team defeat the Cincinnati Bengals for their first win of the season.
“I thought Heinz Field was where they harvested all their condiments,” a confused McCreary says. “I was hoping to cut out the middleman altogether and get some of that good ketchup and mustard for myself. But instead I just wound up at a shitty Steelers game. It was a disappointing trip, to be sure.”
The 34-year-old bachelor has been searching for a large supply of mustard for over three years. When he heard of Heinz Field through the static of his Buick’s radio, he thought he’d hit the jackpot.
“Yesterday, I tried to google Heinz Field just to see what came up,” the construction worker says. “I see that it’s only 3 ½ hours away so I hopped in my car and start driving. Little did I know I’d spend the afternoon with some punk named Mason Rudolph lobbing touchdown passes to James Conner.”
This is the latest in a series of tragedies for Pennsylvania residents involving the Steelers; the Black and Yellow started off the season 0-3, finally picking up their first win against an unsurprisingly inferior Bengals team on Monday Night Football.
The story does end happily for McCreary, as the Steelers players rallied together to get him a year’s supply of Heinz mustard and mayonnaise for his trouble.
“We thought it was the right thing to do,” running back James Conner, who enjoyed a season-best 125 yards and a touchdown during the game, says. “I mean, we’ve disappointed so many Steelers fans this season, the least we could do is make one person’s trip to Heinz Field worthwhile.”
Though McCreary loaded up his rusty Buick with a crateful of Heinz’s finest, there was a touch of poignancy to the experience. After three years of dreaming, the myth of Heinz Field—a condiment-based, cholesterol-raising wonderland—was dead.
“I can’t help but be a little bummed about it, especially since this all could have been prevented,” McCreary concludes. “If the Steelers were at all relevant this year, maybe I would’ve heard more about the real Heinz Field by now.”