by Alex Poletti
Lifelong Steelers fan Preston McGaghie received some heartbreaking news this week when his doctor confirmed that his Kidney Cancer had reached the dreaded Antonio Brown stage. Given the trajectory of the player after whom this stage is named, it isn’t likely that McGaghie will “be in the league” much longer.
“It all started a few years ago,” McGaghie recalls. “My kidney was performing really well. Honestly, it was one of my best performing organs. But it started to take up more of my time and really tried to assert itself as the star of my body. My other organs weren’t appreciating it.”
Not many people have survived the Antonio Brown stage. The cancer takes the same path as the former NFL Pro-Bowler, starting out as a promising prospect before developing such a cancerous locker room presence that it brings down the rest of the team.
“The feeling is just awful,” the Pittsburgh native continues. “Right now, my kidney is demanding a transplant. And it’s spreading pretty rapidly. My liver just decided it’s holding out. So now my 37-year-old, out-of-shape stomach is forced to operate by itself, and it just can’t hold my body together without all of the other weapons available.”
Antonio Brown-stage cancer can affect any part of the body, but it most commonly occurs in the kidney. This is true because both Antonio Brown and the kidney have a habit of turning everything near it into piss.
While a transplant seems like the obvious option, it’s hard to get any value in return for a kidney with such a public history of disobedience and flagrant misconduct.
“Obviously, no one wants the kidney,” McGaghie’s doctor, Travis Mars, says. “We can’t figure out any place to dump it, because everyone knows how bad that kidney is. And even if we do find a way to get rid of it, finding another kidney with as much talent and potential as the last one will provide an even stiffer challenge.”
The final nail in the coffin (in this case, literally for the Steelers fan) is the kidney’s past conduct.
“After all the shit that my kidney has done, it’s crazy that anything can take it out,” McGaghie says. “Who knew that three kidney stones I passed on separate occasions in 2017 and 2018 would finally shut it down?”
With the kidney out indefinitely and the rest of the body falling apart, McGaghie has nothing left to do but wait for his final days.
“To put Preston’s chances in terms we all understand,” the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center professional says, “the Steelers are 1-4 this year. It’s very unlikely they’re going to the playoffs.”