According to ESPN Analysts and Professional Fantasy Football Users, Christian McCaffrey Still Too White to be Good

by Luke DePalatis

When Carolina Panthers back Christian McCaffrey was drafted eighth overall in the 2017 draft, most of the NFL world laughed at the possibility of a 5’11, 200 pound white boy being considered a top-tier prospect. USA Today even wrote, “He’ll make an impact on all four downs. But is he worth a No. 8 pick? I’m not so sure.”

Despite the naysayers, the critics and the fantasy football professionals, Christian McCaffrey stepped onto the field last Sunday, October 6, and burned past the Jaguars defense for 237 yards from scrimmage and three touchdowns, earning the nickname “White Lightning.”

“Yeah, but is he really that good?” notable third-place winner of his 2016 8-man fantasy league Todd Phelps tells a Second String reporter after watching the game from his comfy Atlanta studio apartment. “I mean, I wish I had drafted him, but I still think Fourtnette was a better choice in the first round.”

It’s true that McCaffrey is a polarizing figure in the NFL world. Even after his stellar start to the season, many ESPN analysts still barely squeeze him into the top ten behind such stellar pillars of humble success as Zeke Elliott, Melvin Gordon, and Le’Veon Bell. Why, you may ask?

“It’s a simple statistical reason,” one of ESPN’s top analysts, who refused to speak without a lawyer present, says. “You see, logically speaking, the lighter your skin color, the worse of an athlete you are. This goes for most sports, except for golf, croquet, bowling and curling.”

Many others agree with the analyst’s claims, specifically those who had to play against him last week in fantasy football, Todd Phelps included.

“Yeah, I just don’t believe the hype,” Phelps continues. “Those 237 yards were all on the refs, man.”

After Daniel Jones was named the “whitest NFL quarterback” last month, many people were propping McCaffrey up for the prestigious “whitest NFL running back” award, but the honor went to the Patriots’ Rex Burkhead instead.

“If you showed me evidence that his great-great-grandfather was African-American, maybe I’ll give him some credit,” Phelps continues, “but look at him. Stanford graduate. Piano player. Track and field sprinter. All-American. On paper, he seems more like a State Farm agent than a football player. As it stands, he’ll never be more than a second place Heisman winner.”

Phelps then proceeded to sadly stare at the $500 charges in his bank statement for Daily Fantasy investments.

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