by Alex Poletti
After tweeting comments in support of the Hong Kong protests and subsequently losing millions of Chinese fans, Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey has announced his complete and undying support of the Communist party to ease tensions with the global superpower.
“I did not intend my tweet to cause any offense to Rockets fans and friends of mine in China,” Morey’s apology started. “I would further like to pledge my allegiance to one communist state. Down with capitalism, let’s overthrow the bourgeoisie and seize the means of production.”
The Rockets are China’s most popular team, due to Yao Ming, China’s biggest basketball star, and his eight-year tenure with Houston. However, Morey’s criticism of China’s government jeopardized that, as well as the billions of dollars which accompany their support. Rather than stick to his principles and defend a fledgeling movement towards democracy, Morey did as any upstanding American sell-out would. The Houston front office staple changed his profile picture to the hammer and sickle and spread some kind words about Chairman Mao.
“Chairman Mao was an upstanding man who brought China to great prosperity,” Morey continues. “If he were alive today, I would worship him and please him in any way possible. At his request, it would be my honor to fellate him. I extend the same gratitude towards Emperor—I mean President—Xi Jinping.”
While the Rockets and the rest of the NBA have fully supported Morey’s transition to communism, the American public has mixed opinions on the matter. Notably, Democrats Beto O’Rourke and Julian Castro, as well as Republican Ted Cruz, have all publicly denounced Morey’s apology, calling it shameful and anti-democratic.
Addressing the issue, Morey did not shy away from the fact he had turned in his American principles of freedom and representation for the historically anti-American sentiments of the Communist party.
“When you think about it, this is the most free market decision I could make,” Morey explains. “I’m only doing this because of capitalism. If I don’t become communist, we lose millions of dollars in profit. The only way I can win in the free market is to denounce it altogether.”
In order to further smooth over his relationship with China, Morey unequivocally denied the existence of detention camps containing hundreds of thousands and perhaps millions of Uighur Muslims to avoid further controversy.