by Alex Poletti
Just days after being fired from his position as head coach of the Washington Redskins, Jay Gruden has scored a new gig as a member of the United States government. Experts say that he got the job due to his history of nepotism and general mediocrity and inefficiency.
“When you look at Jay Gruden, it’s hard not to see at least a congressional representative,” a think tank member who prefers to remain anonymous says. “He’s gotten everything in his career because of his brother, and despite completely failing, he is still a respected individual in his field. It’s the perfect recipe for a government official.”
Gruden picked the right time to test the job market, as positions in Washington, especially in this presidential administration, are opening up at an alarming rate.
“Some may say that he’s joining a sinking ship if he becomes a Trump official,” MSNBC analyst Rachel Maddow says, referencing the ongoing impeachment proceedings facing the 45th president, “but I think he’s prepared for that. He has the experience. After all, he did sign on to coach the Washington Redskins.”
After leading the Redskins to a 0-5 start to the season, Gruden was finally let go. While many see his embarrassing stint in Washington as a permanent stain on his career that could forever affect his ability to get another job in the NFL, congressional insiders see it as an asset.
“The way we see it, Gruden is a Washington insider who has already spent considerable time with an organization with racist roots,” a congressperson explains. “If that doesn’t spell out congressman to you, I don’t know what does.”
Gruden’s job has not yet been made public, but speculation has run rampant. Many consider him the frontrunner to replace Kevin McAleenan as President Trump’s fifth Secretary of Homeland Security. However, this may not be a great fit for Gruden, as he could barely defend his quarterback for five weeks. With the impeachment hearings slowly inching towards resolution and more and more of Trump’s staff becoming implicated, it’s possible that Gruden could be aiming for the highest office in the land.
“Will we see a Gruden presidency before 2020?” conservative pundit Tucker Carlson asks. “It’s hard to say. He definitely has the close family connections that make a modern president, not to mention the complete lack of communication skills and mishandling of press that set our great presidents apart.”
In an interesting reversal of fates, due to his storied past with gross racial caricatures, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is currently the front runner to succeed Gruden.