Jalen Ramsey Finds Home Among Other Assholes in Los Angeles

by Alex Poletti

Cornerback Jalen Ramsey now calls the beautiful beaches of Southern California home after being dealt from the Jacksonville Jaguars to the Los Angeles Rams for two first-round picks and a fourth. This is the perfect ending for Ramsey, who now finds himself in good company among the biggest divas and douchebags America has to offer.

“In LA, I think Jalen is finally going to find some people he can relate to, people he can work with,” Rams head coach Sean McVay says. “Not on the Rams, obviously. I’m thinking more Christian Bale, Kanye West and Mel Gibson.”

During his time in Jacksonville, Ramsey developed a reputation for not only being one of the league’s top defensive backs, but also having one of the biggest egos. He made an entrance at training camp, arriving in an armored truck to signify that he needs to get paid. Obviously, Ramsey’s a perfect fit for Hollywood.

“When I think about Jalen Ramsey, I think about someone who epitomizes what Los Angeles is,” the city’s mayor, Eric Garcetti, comments. “I can picture him now yelling at an overworked Starbucks employee for getting him soy milk instead of almond. The only way that Ramsey could be any more of a Los Angeles icon is if he were a white woman named Karen.”

It’s unclear how Ramsey’s boisterous personality will match with the coaching staff in Los Angeles. Regardless, the defensive combination of Aaron Donald and Jalen Ramsey makes the Rams one of the scariest defensive teams in the league.

The Rams won the Ramsey sweepstakes, but they were far from the only team interested. Among those teams, somewhat surprisingly given their records, were the Jets and the Giants, both of whom hoped to bring Ramsey’s immense talent to the big apple.

“Of course we wanted Ramsey in New York,” Giants general manager Dave Gettleman explains. “Not necessarily for the football teams, though. The Metropolitan Opera actually wanted to acquire his services. It’s been a while since they’ve had that big of a diva there.”

The Rams enter week seven with a lackluster 3-3 record, barely besting the Arizona Cardinals for third place in the NFC West. If the team continues to skid and Ramsey’s ego continues to grow, it’s likely that Ramsey screw us all over and end up on the Patriots.

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