Broncos Consider Replacing John Elway with Literally Anyone Who Can Watch a Football Game

by Alex Poletti

In the midst of a 2-5 season, the Broncos are considering personnel changes at the top of the food chain, including Hall of Fame quarterback and certainly not Hall of Fame general manager John Elway. A leaked document to The Second String shows that their list of potential replacements includes anyone who can watch a football game.

“If we decide to part ways with John, we’d need to find someone who can fill his shoes,” Denver Broncos president Joe Ellis explains. “To find someone to match his general managing skills, we’d have to look for anyone who has seen—or even heard—a football game. It would be an added benefit if they could recognize talent, but that’s certainly not a prerequisite for this position.”

John Elway has developed a bad rap for being one of the lesser general managers in the National Football League, with a specific detriment at the quarterback position. Former wasted picks include Paxton Lynch in the first round and Brock Osweiler in the second. Though his Hall of Fame resume has given him some credentials, their 6-10 record last year and their poor start this year could finally get the Mile High City’s team to make a change.

“John is really big on the eye test,” Ellis continues. “Whoever our next guy is, we’re hoping he’ll be a good arbiter of that. But honestly, at this point we’ll take what we can get. Even if his replacement does the eye test with a blindfold on, it really can’t get much worse.”

Of course, wooing a potential general manager to Denver will be a difficult task. Similarly to the Redskins head coaching gig, it seems to be a position built for failure, as neither team, since Bradley Chubb’s season-ending torn ACL, has much to look forward to.

“We’ve performed studies where we gave potential coaches and GMs three options,” Jose Burfect, a professor at CU Boulder with a specialty in sports psychology, says. “They could either become the general manager of the Denver Broncos, the head coach of the Washington Redskins or they could take a cyanide capsule. Out of 10 participants, we now have 10 lifeless corpses to dispose of.”

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