Short Guy Makes NYC Subway Ride Home a Living Hell

by Alex Poletti

Some annoying short guy completely ruined the commute back home from Yankee Stadium on the subway after fans watched game five of the ALCS on the stadium’s Jumbotron, sources for The Second String report at the scene. Despite not being physically present, this 5’6 prick messed up the vibe of every New Yorker on the crowded train.

“He made that ride home feel seven hours long,” New York resident and die-hard Yankees fan Karen Gooden says. “And it’s usually only two or three from the stadium to East Bronx, where I live.”

Many Yankees faithful expected the night to go much differently, ending in celebration and a prolongation of the series against a dominant Astros squad. But some smallish dude had to send the crowd with frowns on their faces.

Despite a .298 average in the regular season, an American League MVP and a personal record for home runs in 2019, the Bronx Bombers didn’t expect Jose Altuve to spoil the party. However, with two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning, the muppet of a man laced an 84-mile-per-hour offspeed pitch from Aroldis Chapman into left-center field, sending the Astros to their second World Series in three years, and leaving the Yankees fans sulking on their way to the metro station.

“Usually, a short guy is a welcomed presence on the subway,” 32-year-old Trevor Groban, sporting an Aaron Judge jersey, says. “That just means more leg room for me. It’s usually the tall guys or the mariachi bands that ruin a train ride. But today, we all got screwed on the subway by some dwarfy punk named Jose.”

While the subway-riders were pissed off by Jose Altuve last night, many expect Yankees fans to brush off the loss relatively soon, given their window to win a World Series is by no means closed. Soon, New York residents will be back to kvetching about the wait for the train and how it smells when they get on it, as well as rent prices, the weather and just about everything else.

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