Ben Simmons’ Terrible Mediation Skills Earn Him Job as Secretary of State

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Bill Streicher/USA TODAY Sports

Philadelphia 76ers guard Ben Simmons has been offered a job as Secretary of State for the United States after opting to put Karl-Anthony Towns in a headlock as means of breaking up a fight between the Minnesota Timberwolves center and teammate Joel Embiid. According to sources in Washington, Simmons’ immediacy to resort to physical force made him a perfect fit for the State Department.

“KAT and Embiid were going at it, and then Ben Simmons just got in there and put an end to things,” acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney says. “If he acts this way with All-Stars, imagine what he can do with two powers like Israel and Palestine.”

The brawl between Towns and Embiid started in the third quarter of their matchup in Philadelphia, which ended in Simmons the fellow first overall pick into a chokehold. Towns and Embiid were both suspended two games for their actions, but Simmons was deemed a peacemaker by Mark Ayotte and thus remained unpenalized.

“Simmons did what any American official would do during a fight between to other bodies,” General John F. Kelly explains. “He picked a side based on arbitrary loyalties without any credible information and then completely obliterated his chosen antagonist with brute physical force. If that’s not peaceful mediation, I don’t know what is.”

As of now, it’s unclear if the 2018 Rookie of the Year will make the trip from Philadelphia to the nation’s capital to join the Trump cabinet, especially given the fact that the job position isn’t actually open yet. However, government officials have assured the LSU alum that this is not a problem.

“The cabinet is more of a revolving door than the Warriors’ starting five right now,” Mulvaney says. “I’m sure the position will open up quickly. And if not, Simmons has proved his versatility by playing small forward and point guard in the league. He could move around a variety of different positions in government if need be. Requirements aren’t really a big deal for us right now.”

The biggest challenge facing Simmons in his path to D.C. is that he is a dual citizen of Australia, making his ability to serve in such a position a little more nebulous.

“I think we’ll be able to look past his nationality for this,” Mulvany concludes. “In the past few months, this presidency has shown that it doesn’t mind foreign players doing our government work.”

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