ESPN Greenlights ‘Titanic’ Remake Starring Kurt Suzuki and Donald Trump

by Alex Poletti

Inspired by the shared moment between catcher Kurt Suzuki and President Donald Trump during the Washington Nationals’ White House visit, ESPN has announced that they will be producing a remake of the 1997 hit James Cameron film “Titanic,” with the World Series champ and the former real estate mogul in the leading roles.

“The way that Trump caressed Kurt Suzuki’s breasts, holding him from behind while Suzuki threw his hands in the air—it really struck a chord for me,” Alfred Spellman, an executive producer of ESPN’s “30 for 30” who will also serve as a producer on the new Titanic film, says. “As a World Series champion, Kurt is the king of the world in his own way. I think there are a lot of parallels here that I’m ready to explore.”

After making a speech on behalf of his team, Washington’s starting catcher pulled out a Make America Great Again hat, leading to a behind-the-back hug from the president. Many Twitter users were quick to note that the scene resembled the iconic “Titanic” moment, leading ESPN to capitalize on the situation.

“We don’t usually dabble in fiction,” ESPN Magazine editor-in-chief Alison Overholt says, “but this is barely fiction at all. First, the Titanic is based on historical events. Also, I can’t think of any ships that are going to sink faster than the Trump presidency and the Washington Nationals in 2020.”

Indeed, both Washington icons are facing instability in the coming months. For the Commander in Chief, the formalization of impeachment proceedings presents a significant challenge. The Washington Nationals face serious personnel issues following Stephen Strasburg’s opt-out; now, both Strasburg, a perennial Cy Young candidate, and Anthony Rendon, who was recently named an MVP finalist, are both free agents. The Nationals are unlikely to retain both.

One person who will be on the Nationals next year is Suzuki, who enters the final year of his two-year contract in 2020. A league-average player, Suzuki batted .264 with 17 home runs in 2019. In the postseason, he hit a round .100 with a homer and an RBI. A player with the bravado to back up his terrible stats is the perfect foil for the president, producers say.

“I can’t stress enough how excited we are to document the disaster that is about to occur,” Spellman says. “And as for the famous sex scene, we don’t think that will be a problem. It will only be the third most embarrassing sex scandal during the Trump presidency.”

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