by Alex Poletti
Realizing that their attempts to go 19-0 over the course of an NFL season may be limited in the future, the New England Patriots opted to preserve their aging quarterback Tom Brady in cryogenic sleep until their next shot.
“We really wanted to go undefeated this season,” head coach Bill Belichik says following a 37-20 loss at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens. “Obviously, that didn’t happen. We could either play out the season with Tom and win another Superbowl, or we could let a system QB win us a Superbowl. We’ve decided it’s best to save Tom for when we need him most: during a 19-0 run.”
Brady, considered by many to be the greatest quarterback of all time, has shown signs of his age this season; his quarterback rating of 60.0 is the lowest of his Hall of Fame career. At 42, the three-time MVP has already defied father time, but his days in the NFL may be nearing a close.
“Tom only has so many games left to play in the NFL,” the three-time AP NFL Coach of the Year continues. “We want those games to really count. The rest of this season doesn’t. So why not preserve his body in temperatures below -180 degrees celsius? It wouldn’t even be the most pseudo-scientific part of his day.”
In Brady’s book “The TB12 Method,” the six-time Super Bowl champ claims a number of outlandish things, including that drinking water will prevent sunburns. For someone like Brady, cryonics seemed like the only reasonable option.
“This might as well happen to me,” Brady says.
The Patriots are unaware when they may need Brady next. Though it seems that year after year their window may be closing, they consistently overachieve. They have appeared in the past three Super Bowls, and if regular season records are any indication, they will go to another this season.
One thing that has eluded the Patriots, though, is the famed 19-0 season, which has never been done before. The Miami Dolphins went 17-0 in 1972, before the adoption of a 16-game season. The closest team in the current system was the 2007 Patriots, who went 16-0 in the regular season, only to lose in Super Bowl XLII to the New York Giants.
“I must achieve a perfection apart from my jawline at some point,” the quarterback says, entering the cryogenic chamber. “Bill, kiss my son for me, the way I would.”
Attorneys informed Bill Belichik that it would be illegal to do so.