Russians Realize They Hacked Wrong Election as Tulsi Gabbard Wins NL Manager of the Year

by Alex Poletti
Photo by AP Photo/Mary Altaffer

In a comedy of errors on Tuesday, operatives for the Russian government quickly realized they had made a severe miscalculation, accidentally steering their efforts to make Hawaii congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard the recipient of the National League Manager of the Year award instead of the presidential candidate for the Democratic Party.

“Oh shit, this one’s on us,” GRU operative Dmitri Prokofiev says. “We really missed the boat on this one. We mistook two awards that the general American public doesn’t really care about.”

The Manager of the Year honors—as well as MVP, Cy Young and Rookie of the Year—is voted upon by a body of 30 members of the Baseball Writers Association of America, with one voter representing each city currently hosting a MLB franchise. Voters say they were swayed by a series of fake news articles and ads that sources now confirm came from Russian intelligence.

“At first, I was going to go with Mike Schildt,” one BBWAA member, who wishes to remain anonymous, says. “But then a bunch of news articles appeared on Facebook about how Schildt was running a child sex ring under a pizza parlor in Washignton. Then my feed was bombarded with information about how Tulsi Gabbard was a great manager. I didn’t even know she was eligible, but I voted for her anyway.”

Out of 30 possible first place votes, Gabbard receives 437, making her the winner with the largest margin in baseball history. She also became the first woman and the first manager who has never managed a baseball team to win the award.

Her American League counterpart was the Twins’ Rocco Baldelli, who led Minnesota to over 100 wins in his rookie season as a manager. He becomes the third different Twins manager this decade to win the award. He makes a perfect pairing with Gabbard, as both are expected to be out of a job by 2020.

“I’m gonna catch some flack for this one down at headquarters,” Prokofiev says. “But at least Tulsi got to win something, which wouldn’t have happened otherwise.”

In her acceptance speech, Gabbard ranted about Hillary Clinton for 45 minutes, goading her to join the race for the 2020 NL Manager of the Year.

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