by Alex Poletti
Photo by Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
After a heartbreaking loss to the San Francisco 49ers that saw the club blow a 16-point lead, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray said that he was “used to winning,” showing that he was completely unaware of the fact that getting drafted first overall necessitates playing for the worst team in the NFL.
“I’m a competitor,” the former Oklahoma Sooner says, “I’m here to win, that’s why I’m playing. I thought that getting drafted first overall was an accomplishment, but now I’m stuck with a shitty offensive line and a 94-year-old Larry Fitzgerald as my only target. How did this happen.”
Murray was a Heisman winner a season ago, leading Oklahoma to the playoffs. After realizing he had a chance to go first overall in the 2019 NFL draft, he abandoned his baseball career and fled to the greener grass of Glendale. Little did he know, this meant he gave up his chance to play for a relevant franchise for the next four years.
“And to think, I could have been playing in Oakland this whole time,” a peeved Murray laments. “I’d be playing into October yearly. Sure, I’d be making $500,000 a year and living in Oakland, but at least I’d see a W every once in a while.”
As a professional, Murray carries a 3-7-1 career record as a starter. Though many expected great things from Murray and Kliff Kingsbury’s air raid offense, they have been merely mediocre through 11 weeks of the season.
“Congratulations, you were the best player in college,” a jaded Kingsbury says, smoking a cigarette almost down to its butt. “You think you get to play for the Pats? Buzz off, kiddo. Pay your dues, play for a shitty team for a few years before you sign with New England.”
Murray later told the press that if he knew he’d have to play for Arizona by going first overall, he would’ve thrown enough picks his senior season to drop to 32nd.
“Lamar won a Heisman just like I did, but now he’s playing for the Ravens?” the incredulous quarterback continues. “Damnit, if I were a wide receiver like him, I’m sure I’d be 11-0 right now.”
