Ben Simmons’ First Career Three-Pointer Immediately Opens Portal to Upside Down

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Getty

The unthinkable happened Wednesday, as former first overall draft pick Ben Simmons drained his the first three-point shot of his NBA career in the first quarter against the New York Knicks. As a result, the universe, unaware that such a shot could be made, experienced a tear in its fabric that turned Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia into a portal to the Upside Down.

“I took the shot, saw it go in, and then everything looked darker,” Simmons recalls. “There were bits of white stuff floating in the air. I could tell that because I made that shot, something was amiss.”

The three from the Melbourne native came as a surprise to many, as Simmons had yet to make a shot from beyond the arc over two full seasons prior to Wednesday’s game. Eighteen attempts into his career, the universe thought it wouldn’t have to deal with such a threat to the natural order of things.

“Before the shot, the universe had reached an equilibrium,” Murray Bauman, an expert in this field from Indiana, explains. “This wasn’t supposed to happen. And now that it has, we don’t know what else may occur. If timespace is altered, we could be looking at a dimension where Shaq makes a free throw. We can’t even begin to fathom the consequences of this action.”

The Twilight Zone-present we are now living in comes with some surprises. According to teammates of Simmons who were also briefly transported to the Upside Down, there may be more than meets the eye to this other dimension.

“I swear I looked over and saw a healthy Steph Curry,” 76ers center Joel Embiid says. “The Warriors were the one-seed—it was unnatural. I thought that was in the past, but it was really just locked away in a sinister place.”

Simmons worked on his threes with some regularity over the offseason, meaning this potentially won’t be the last time such an astronomical event occurs. The more often this happens, the more likely portals to the Upside Down will open with consistency. 76ers fans don’t seem to mind however, given that the Upside Down can’t get much worse than Philadelphia anyway.

“We should be thankful that it wasn’t much worse,” Bauman continues. “The only reason the portal was so small this time is because he made the shot against the Knicks. If this had come against a legitimate NBA defense, who knows what would have happened.”

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