BREAKING: Matthew Mcconaughey Stole Signs for the Houston Astros During the 2019 World Series

by Luke DePalatis
Photo by Getty

After days of speculation, fear, anger, and frustration, the truth is finally coming to light. Only a month after the Astros’ defeat in game seven of the 2019 World Series, scandal struck the heart of Texas. Rumored reports surfaced that suggested that the Astros stole signs from their opponents using a highly sophisticated system, sending video feed into the Astros dugout where someone would slam a trash can to inform the hitter of the opponents last pitch.

This news sent the MLB into a fervor, but the most recent announcement by Rob Manfred is sure to ruffle even more feathers. According to reports, the Houston Astros employed a chest-thumping Matthew Mcconaughey to steal signs in the 2019 playoffs.

“According to our specialized researchers, one chest-thump indicates a fastball, two chest-thumps indicates a changeup or slider, and three chest-bumps indicates a curveball,” says Rob Manfred in his address to the media. “Here at the MLB we’re taking this issue very seriously. Any slights on the league’s integrity will not go unexamined.”

For many in the baseball industry, this statement almost feels like inaction. With such compelling visual and auditory evidence, many MLB coaches and players are requesting justice from Manfred.

“Are you telling me we lost because Ron Woodroof kept telling them which pitch was coming?” says an angry New York Yankees manager, Aaron Boone.

The Astros have had a very successful past few years, and, through Second String research, we’ve deducted that the Astros’ success rate perfectly correlates with Mr. Mcconaughey’s public support for the team. Even former Astros pitcher Mike Fiers believes something is amiss.

“We definitely used Mcconaughey,” says Fiers. “Eventually trash cans got to loud and obvious to bang on, and we looked like idiots kicking bins around all day. The front office figured no one would look twice at a casual, chest-thumping Matthew Mcconaughey sitting behind home plate.”

We’ll have to wait and see where this scandal takes the MLB, but it can only mean a further investigation into the rapidly increasing sign stealing problem within professional baseball.

“We’ve always known it was a problem,” says Manfred, “but to use such a technologically elaborate system, like a chest-thumping Matthew Mcconaughey… that’s just taking it too far. We’re certainly looking at fines and suspensions in this scenario. A good, swift punishment will be sure to discourage similar things happening with other teams. We already have reason to suspect Bill Murray and the Cubs of working in a similar capacity.”

The Second String’s top tier reporting staff reached out to Mr. Mcconaughey for comment. After asking him if he was complicit in the Astros’ activity, Mcconaughey merely thumped his chest and said, “alright, alright, alright.” What this could mean is currently up for interpretation.

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