Roger Goodell Suspends You, The Viewer, For Role in Garrett-Rudolph Fight

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Erik Drost on Flickr

After a week of review, the National Football League came to its final determination for suspensions in regard to the fight between Mason Rudolph and Myles Garrett during last week’s Thursday Night Football game. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced that the indefinite suspension for Garrett would be upheld, Pittsburgh offensive lineman Maurkice Pouncey’s suspension was lightened from three games to two, and you, the viewer at home, will also receive a one-game suspension for your involvement.

“While no one can deny the role that Myles Garrett and Maurkice Pouncey played in the fight, none of this would have happened if not for the endless support from the viewers at home,” Goodell says. “As such, we will be suspending all Cleveland and Pittsburgh fans, as well as masochist who watched that game without a loyalty to one of the two teams, for one game to discourage such fights in the future.”

While not many have come to the defense of the Cleveland defensive end, some have criticized the NFL for not taking action against Pittsburgh quarterback Mason Rudolph, who was chirping at Garrett before the fight began. The NFL, instead of looking into his potential guilt any further, stuck to their tried-and-true policy of showing leniency to white players.

“We could either hold a white quarterback accountable for his actions,” Goodell starts, “or finger-wag at the general public and chalk this up as an issue of society as a whole without doing anything to address the underlying institutional problems. Well, if it ain’t broke…”

In an appeal to the league on Wednesday, Garrett claimed that Rudolph started the altercation by using a racial slur. The NFL found no evidence that such an utterance occurred, leaving the suspension in place.

“Past the statement of Mr. Garrett, we have no reason to believe that Mr. Rudolph used a racial slur,” league spokesman Brian McCarthy says. “We do believe that Rudolph called Garrett a Cleveland Browns defender. While hurtful, we can’t say that this rises to the level of a slur just yet.”

All viewers of last Thursday’s game are required to sit out for a week and watch other cable programming instead of support the Steelers or Browns. Though initially bummed, fans have come around to accept the suspension.

“At first, I was outraged,” Browns fan Joe McLeary says. “But then I realized, this just means I didn’t have to watch my team collapse again. So really, that’s a win in my book.

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