by Alex Poletti
Photo by AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta
In a big win for liberal football fans, Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder admitted he would be willing to change the name of his franchise to a variety of other racial slurs.
“I understand that some fans may not appreciate the name of our team,” Snyder says, “but the truth of the matter is that the Redskins are an establishment. However, in light of recent protests, I am willing to consider changing the name to reflect other establishments of oppression in our country.”
Sources tell The Second String that Snyder is mulling over a “name the team” contest in the local newspaper, where eager fans would submit their favorite slur for contention. This is not their first choice, as they hope to keep the naming process in house.
“This team is run by a bunch of old white men,” Snyder explains. “I’m pretty sure we can come up with adequate slurs by ourselves, thank you very much.”
At this point in the naming process, nothing is off the table. In order to appease dissenters, they are looking to avoid any further epithets related to Indigenous peoples—the Atlanta baseball team will have the monopoly on that. At this point, there’s no limit to how far Washington will go to find a suitable name.
“Obviously, the N-word is high on our list, as are several other slurs directed at African-Americans,” Snyder says. “Washington is 47% Black, and we want our new slur to represent our fan base. When they hear the team name, I want them to think, ‘Hey, some crusty old white man called me that in a Walmart parking lot the other day when I offered to help him carry his groceries.’ It’s going to help build the culture we’ve been trying to cultivate for so long.”
Snyder and his cohorts tell The Seconds String that they aren’t afraid to offend the citizens of their community with their new nickname, having already offended everyone in the United States with their previous one.
“Race relations in Washington D.C. have been too good for too long,” Snyder explains. “It’s time to add some drama to the pot. It’s not like they’re getting it from the football.”
As of now, Snyder is closest to adopting the slur “Boomer,” a badge he is starting to wear with pride. Sources say his assistants are too afraid to tell him that Boomer isn’t actually a slur.