In Honor of First Thanksgiving, Bears Massacre Every Member of Lions Team

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Dave Reginek/Getty Images

To pay homage to the first Thanksgiving, the Chicago Bears decided to recreate the famed historical event by ruthlessly murdering every member of the Detroit Lions squad.

“We wanted to do something special for Turkey Day,” Chicago head coach Matt Nagy says. “But in the current culture, we wanted to be mindful, so we went with something more historically accurate. Therefore, after the game, which was our feast, we killed every last member of the Lions team and claimed Detroit as our own.”

The traditional story of Thanksgiving includes a feast shared between members of the Plymouth Pilgrims and Wampanoag Nation, representing a peaceful harmony between the two settlements. However, historians have questioned the legitimacy of the story, with many now believing the feast never occurred, or certainly not in the manner suggested by legend. The non-peaceful relationship between colonists and Indigenous peoples is well documented.

“It’s fun to bring a new twist to an old classic,” Bears quarterback Mitch Trubisky, who led the team to a 24-20 victory with a couple of second-half drives. “Everything just seemed to work out. We won the game and we were the visiting team. It made sense for us to kill every team member on their own soil, for tradition’s sake.”

The Lions move to 3-8-1 after the loss, while the Bears reach .500, unfortunately giving them hope at an ill-fated playoff run. Chicago has a tough road ahead, facing the Cowboys, Chiefs, Packers and Vikings in the next four weeks, all probable playoff teams. It isn’t any easier for the Lions, who now have no team or coaching staff following the merciless display of violence.

“We were expecting a little pushback from the Detroit fans,” Nagy continues, “but we didn’t get any. They were actually a little relieved to see the team die. Now they don’t have to pay Matt Stafford any more, nor will they have to live with their terrible franchise, so I can’t really blame them.”

Though everything has gone more-or-less according to plan, the Bears do face a logistical challenge: they own Detroit, but definitely don’t want it.

“We didn’t think that part through,” general manager Ryan Pace says. “I’m hoping that we can pawn it off to another team, maybe for a draft pick, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. People would rather have Antonio Brown on their team than the city of Detroit.”

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