Disappearance of Patriots Kickers Coincides with the Opening of Glue Factory Next Door

by Alex Poletti
Photo by AP Photo/Bill Kostroun

Some discerning New England Patriots fans have become wary following the team signing their fourth kicker of the season coincidentally coinciding with the opening of a new glue factory right next door.

“I never noticed the new glue factory, run as a subsidiary of the New England Patriots franchise, right next to Gillette stadium until Mike Nugent was cut,” Pats fan and Foxborough resident Anthony Simmons says. “As soon as they were running out of stock, Nick Folk got released. And I haven’t heard from Stephen Gostkowski in a while either. I know it’s just a correlation, but it’s pretty strong at this point.”

The Patriots have had trouble at the place kicking position all season, after longtime starter Gostkowski suffered a season-ending hip injury in a week-four win against the Buffalo Bills. The next week, a new, small brick building was erected adjacent to 1 Patriot Place, apparently owned by the franchise.

The correlation for some has become too strong, including Patriots center David Andrews, who believes something might be afoot.

“I can’t say anything for certain yet, but when I asked if I could talk to Stephen [Gostkowski], Robert Kraft said he was at a farm upstate,” the Georgia alum recalls. “He kept on talking about how the new kicker, Mike [Nugent], had the leg of a horse. It seemed normal then, but now with all the glue stuff, you have to wonder what kind of equine similarities he really had.”

New kicker, Kai Forbath, is undaunted by the conspiracy. A veteran of seven seasons, the UCLA alum have a career 85.7% field goal percentage in 140 attempts. Regardless of the potential danger of doing so, the Sherman Oaks native is ready to join the team.

“I’m not scared by all these rumors,” Forbath says. “In order to be cut, you have to lose your job first. I don’t envision that happening. Robert Kraft did say that missing kicks would have severe consequences, though…”

Without running an investigation, Roger Goodell has already absolved the Patriots of all guilt.

For now, the fans remain skeptical, but as long as the Pats win a Superbowl, New Englanders will forgive anything. So the team’s in pretty good shape with this one. However, that may change with the introduction of a new food item at the stadium called Soylent Team, which features the slogan “With a Kick!”

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