Utah Remembers in Title Game that Mormons Can’t Play Football

by Alex Poletti
Photo by CBS Sports

After a season of fantasy for Utah’s football team, it only took one game to snap them back to reality. Entering the Pac-12 Conference Championship ranked fifth in the nation with an 11-1 record, the Utes quickly remembered that Mormons can’t play football and dropped the game to the Oregon Ducks.

“It’s like we were brainwashed for a season,” Utah head coach Kyle Wittingham says. “But luckily, Oregon came in and reminded us that Mormonism is one of the whitest religions in the world, and it wouldn’t really make sense for us to be good at any physical activity, let alone football.”

To start the season, the Utes were ranked at no. 14 in the AP’s preseason Top 25. They only climbed from there, winning all but one game against USC. After their week-four loss, however, they kept on rolling, holding all but one opponent under 20 points.

“I’m glad that Utah finally came to its senses,” NCAA Division I football commissioner Mark Emmert says. “If they hadn’t realized that Mormons are inherently bad at football and won that game against Oregon, it would’ve been very suspicious for us to still put Oklahoma in the playoffs over them.”

Ranked no. 5 before the Pac-12 Championship, Utah needed a win and a Georgia loss to clinch a spot in the college football playoffs. With Georgia playing no. 2 LSU, the Utes seemed destined to climb to no. 4 for a chance to face Ohio State.

“I think it was the first snap of the game, and I just had this realization,” Utah wide receiver and guy who treats caffeine like arsenic Britain Covey says. “Playing football is completely incongruent with the belief that the Nephites were destroyed by the Lamanites in ancient America. When Tyler [Huntley] threw me a pass, I thought, ‘If God truly has his own planet, and I will receive my own planet when I die, it makes no sense that I would in any conceivable universe be able to catch this ball.’ So I didn’t.”

At the end of the game, Utah’s season was over, but the players still celebrated regaining their faith. Sources report that the players celebrated in the locker room by pouring milk over themselves, as they realized they couldn’t use the champagne they’d saved for the occasion.

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