by Alex Poletti
Following a 23-16 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs, New England’s second straight defeat, Patriots head coach Bill Belichik was seen reluctantly taking his favorite quarterback out into the backyard with a rifle in hand. According to the longtime coach, it was a tough decision, but the right one.
“Tom has been getting old for a while now, so we knew we’d have to do this sooner or later,” Belichick says with tears in his eyes. “He was a good quarterback, a loyal one. Robert [Kraft] was going to be the one to do it, but I told him that Tom was my quarterback, and therefore I should be the one to finish him off.”
Brady, considered by many to be the greatest quarterback of all time, has put up pedestrian numbers this season, with an unimpressive showing against the Kansas City defense. Once hailed for his ability to thread the needle, he has started to miss targets with greater frequency.
“Tom looked up at me with those sad eyes. It was hard for me to muster up the courage to go through with it,” Belichick recalls. “But I wanted to end his career with a bang, not a whimper. That bang just happened to be from the sound of a bullet entering his head instead of a seventh Super Bowl ring.”
Spending most of the season as the top dog of the AFC, the defending Super Bowl Champs have faltered significantly, losing two in a row to fellow division leaders in the Texans and Chiefs. Against stiffer competition, it seems that the Patriots don’t hold up as well as many thought they would, causing havoc for Boston fans.
“Is the sky falling? We’ve lost two games in a season, I think this is a sign of the apocalypse, right?” one Boston man can be heard over the sound of beer and an oily lobster roll flowing into his mouth. Cleveland fans everywhere would be laughing if their team wasn’t still shitty as hell.
As hard as it may have been for Belichick to give his star quarterback the Old Yeller treatment, it may be the best option not just for the team, but for the quarterback himself.
“You could tell he wasn’t enjoying his season,” the three-time Coach of the Year says. “He had no weapons on offense and a terrible line. I assume it must have been like Lincoln watching ‘Our American Cousin.’ It’s best he was put out of his misery.”