Patriots Caught Taping Bengals’ Sideline for Tips on Imploding Late in Season

by Alex Poletti
Photo by FOXBusiness

Scandal struck the News England Patriots this week when a videographer was caught taping the goings-on of the Bengals’ sideline during a game in Cleveland for the Massachusetts team. Sources tell The Second String that the videographer was hired to film the Bengals so the Patriots could study how to best implode to end the season.

“We’ve been doing a pretty good job of it by ourselves, but no one knows how to run a football team into the ground like Cincinnati,” Patriots head coach Bill Belichick says. “The way the coaches can’t run a competent offense or form good relationships with their players—if we can learn to do that the Bengals way, we’ll be set.”

The Bengals are the worst team in the league this season, sporting a disgusting 1-12 record. While part of their failure can be attributed to injuries to quarterback Andy Dalton and Pro-Bowl wide receiver A.J. Green, there’s no denying that they’d be pretty damn awful anyway.

The Patriots are in the midst of their own spell of failure, losing two straight to the Chiefs and Texans. Never ones to slack, the Pats now look to accomplish an ultimate feat and lose out the season.

“Everyone thinks that if we’re taping Cincinnati, we must be taping all the teams, but that’s not true,” New England owner Robert Kraft says. “It’s only Cincinnati, Miami, Cleveland and New York. Only the ones who can really teach us how to be inept. The problem is, Miami’s coaching staff is actually trying, so they aren’t much help to us now.”

The Patriots have a tougher road than any of the three teams they’re spying on, given that the New England roster is actually built for postseason contention. That makes their goal of collapsing much harder.

“What those other teams are doing, we aren’t built for that,” Belichick continues. “So it falls to the hands of the coaches. How can we so severely mismanage our squad that we ruin a perfectly good season?”

Though they’ve been admonished by the league, the damage is done, and the Patriots should be able to integrate what they’ve learned into their week 15 game against the Bengals.

“It’s the student and the master next week,” Belichick explains. “But I’ve already figured out a few methods to lead me team to the L. I’ve started clapping a lot more on the sidelines. If that does the trick for Jason Garrett, maybe it’ll help me.”

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