Fantasy Owner Spends All of Couples Therapy Talking about Jamison Crowder

by Alex Poletti
Photo by NBC Sports

Though the session started out with high hopes, fantasy football player Dave and his wife Sarah Tisdale’s weekly couples therapy appointment was quickly derailed by Dave’s inability to talk about anything else but Jets wide receiver Jamison Crowder, whose two-touchdown game ended his season in his league’s semifinals.

“How could this have happened? Crowder has had three games in a row under five fantasy points, and he decides to go off against the Ravens?” Dave said in response to Sarah claiming he never listens to her. “He got 40% of his season touchdown totals in one game. It’s ridiculous. And now Jimmy’s gonna be in the championship game and he doesn’t even give a shit about fantasy.”

While Sarah was consistently attentive to the coming-of-age of the couple’s two children, aged 12 and 7, Dave was actively involved in his eight-man fantasy football league, featuring his brother-in-law, two work friends, a college roommate and three of his work friend Santino’s high school buddies. A group that had never all met in person, Dave refers to them as “the guys.”

“I was the one-seed, I just had to beat Jimmy, which should have been easy,” Dave explains to his wife, who explained her worry that their eldest son may be getting into whippets. “But then he starts Jamison Crowder because he thought it was funny that Sam Darnold had mono two months ago, and it works out for him? What bullshit. There’s no skill involved there.”

Due in large part to his drafting of five Ravens players, including likely-MVP Lamar Jackson in the ninth round, Maryland-based Dave and his team “The Edgar Allen Hoes” coasted to the best record in his league, in which only four players consistently set their weekly lineups. However, poor games from his receiving core of Julian Edelman and Kenny Golladay let him down in the semifinals.

“Do you know what this means, Sarah? Do you have the first idea of how important this is?” Dave berates his wife, who has been spending time visiting her ailing father in hospice care for the past month. “Some things actually matter, Sarah, and Jamison fucking Crowder is taking them all away from me. You couldn’t begin to understand what it’s like to lose someone like I lost James Conner in week nine.”

At the end of the session, Sarah informed her husband that she was leaving him. Dave said that as long as it wasn’t to his fantasy rival Jimmy or Jamison Crowder, he didn’t care.

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