San Franciscans Pray for Earthquake to Stop Pain of Losing to Falcons

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Nhat V. Meyer/Bay Area News Group

In a day of sports-related disasters, citizens of San Francisco have turned to forces beyond their control to destroy the city via earthquake, so fans won’t have to deal with the aftermath of losing to the 5-9 Atlanta Falcons.

“We’re due for the next 1908, right?” San Francisco resident Nico Clark says. “Can we do it today? Maybe hit Santa Clara while we’re at it, too. Let’s just end this whole thing now.”

Despite being heavy favorites, the San Francisco 49ers decided now was the time to let down their fanbase. Ahead 22-17 with less than two minutes left, the much-lauded San Francisco defense couldn’t stop an inept quarterback in Matt Ryan, who connected with star wideout Julio Jones to win the game. Due to Seattle’s strong showing against the Panthers, the 49ers dropped from the first to the fifth seed in the NFC.

“I’ve seen lots of things in this city end badly,” Chief of the San Francisco Fire Department Jeanine Nicholson says. “The aftermath of the ‘89 quake was hard for this city to overcome. I’d take that shit over a Falcons win any day. Hell, at least a Bay Area team won in ‘89.”

Not only was this day difficult for the 49ers nation, but their brethren in arms, the San Francisco Giants, also suffered a tragedy, losing postseason superstar Madison Bumgarner to the Arizona Diamondbacks.

“It makes sense that Bumgarner would go to the Diamondbacks,” Marin county resident Tom Lindquist says. “I always knew that guy was a snake.”

Hopefully, however, the team can rally around its institutions, both political and religious, for guidance in these troubling times.

“There is no God,” a sign outside of Grace Cathedral in the city read after the sports news broke.

Both losses today signify the end of an era. For the Giants, losing Bumgarner signaled that the dynasty of the early 2010s was over. For the 49ers, it showed that the one chance of a good season was not meant to be.

“We are now without a Warriors dynasty, a Giants dynasty, and our football team can’t defend against Matt goddamn Ryan,” Mayor London Breed says. “For that reason, I am stepping down as mayor of San Francisco, and instead will lie in the street and wait for the earthquake to take me.”

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