Jerry Jones Hoping Cowboys Lose So He Can Fire Jason Garrett

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Vernon Bryant/The Dallas Morning News

Cowboys owner and de facto general manager Jerry Jones told The Second String today that he is actively routing against his team in hopes that if they lose, he can finally fire head coach Jason Garrett.

“No one wants to miss out on the playoffs,” Jones, whose 7-7 Cowboys are tied with the Eagles in the NFC East, “but this would be a sacrifice I’d be willing to make. If we make it in as a four-seed, I can’t in good conscious fire the dumbass coach.”

Jones finds himself in an interesting catch-22: it’s unreasonable to fire a coach who leads a team to the playoffs, but it’s equally unreasonable to employ Jason Garrett as a head coach in the National Football League.

The East will be decided by Sunday’s game against the Philadelphia Eagles. Whoever wins makes the playoffs in the league’s weakest division. Whoever loses stays home in January. This seems like an easy loss for Garrett and his team, but he faces a challenge in fellow coaching disaster Doug Pederson.

“Somehow, we managed to beat them back in October,” Jones says. “That means that a coach out there actively sabotaged his team more than Garrett sabotaged ours. It’s a feat unto itself.”

Despite winning a Super Bowl in his second year as coach, the former Calvary Baptist Academy coach has disappointed since then, just barely making the playoffs last year and potentially missing the postseason altogether this season.

“There has to be a way to lose this game,” Jones says frantically to himself. “Maybe if Jason Garrett claps more. Or claps less? What else does he do on the sidelines? I can’t even tell you.”

Garrett has developed a reputation as one of the game’s premier clappers, giving a round of applause to his players after pretty much every snap. While that may not be very impressive as a head coach, the longtime Cowboys owner sees a position where Garrett’s lone skill would come in handy.

“It’s not very coach-like, but I could see his clapping really helping the Cowboys elsewhere,” Jones says. “If we just put him a few rows back in AT&T Stadium, he’d make a great fan. I think that’s his future in the NFL.”

Because of that, the LA Chargers are early favorites to sign him as head coach next year if the Cowboys do fire him, as that would give them at least one fan on their side during home games.

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