by Alex Poletti
Photo by Charles Trainor Jr./Miami Herald/Tribune News Service via Getty Images
Under fire for their cruel mistreatment of sea life, the popular Florida tourist attraction SeaWorld Orlando has taken solace in the fact that they don’t treat the dolphins as poorly as Miami football franchise owner Stephen M. Ross.
“We aren’t pretending to be good people in any sense of the word,” CEO of SeaWorld Entertainment Sergio Rivera says. “But you can’t say we torture our dolphins nearly as terribly as Ross tortures his. He dismantles his dolphins and ships them off to other cities for picks. We just hold ours captive and subjugate them to terrible living conditions.”
This year, the Miami Dolphins showed their ineptitude as a franchise in a variety of ways. Starting the season attempting to tank for the first overall pick (at the time universally considered to be Alabama quarterback Tua Tagovailoa), the Dolphins were utterly abysmal, losing seven straight. However, the team couldn’t even tank right, as they won two in a row against the Jets and Colts and were victorious in a week 17-stunner against the Patriots en route to a 5-11 season, potentially knocking them out of the top five in the draft order.
“At least we’ve consistently been assholes over the past couple of years,” Rivera continues. “We don’t try to fool anyone into thinking that we are better than we are. That’s the true cruelty of the Dolphins. Much more than the psychological damage and unnaturally violent behavior in our animals.”
SeaWorld has been perennially under fire for the captivity of animals for talent since the 2013 CNN documentary “Blackfish” was released. For years after, it seemed that no one could match the pure evil of the corporation in terms of damage done to dolphins; luckily for them, Stephen M. Ross was just around the corner.
Perhaps Ross’s worst crime is assembling a team that doesn’t even look that bad most of the time. Apart from three early season blowouts, the Dolphins have held their own in most games this season. They even managed to squeeze out a win against a gerriatric Patriots team for their last game of the season. Still, they traded key contributors like tackle Laremy Tunsil and safety Minkah Fitzpatrick, who was a first round pick just two drafts ago.
“That’s just inhumane,” Rivera concludes. “They’re just hiding behind Ryan Fitzmagic and pretending the team has a pulse. That’s not our philosophy at all. If I owned the Dolphins, I’d do the humane thing and kill their mothers and sink their corpses to bury the evidence. Metaphorically, of course.”