Seth Curry Starts ‘New Year, New Me’ Off Well by Killing, Replacing Brother Steph

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

If Dallas Mavericks shooting guard Seth Curry’s New Year’s resolution was to become a better version of himself, both on and off the field, he certainly succeeded. Adhering to the “New Year, New Me” adage, Seth murdered his older brother, two-time Kia MVP Steph Curry, and took his place without anyone noticing.

“I was really looking for an improvement,” Seth-turned-Steph Curry tells The Second String. “I’m a decent shooter, but Steph is just a little bit ahead of me. So in the spirit of New Year’s, I thought I’d murder him in cold blood and replace him. Hopefully no one notices and I’ll be winning MVPs in no time.”

Whether sucking the life force out of his older brother will work is yet to be seen for the former Duke Blue Devil, as he now finds himself on the injury reserve as a member of the Golden State Warriors. However, a 2020 return could show Curry become the most prolific three-point shooter of all time, just as his brother was before his unfortunate death.

“We’re sad to see him go,” Dallas Mavericks head coach Rick Carlisle says. “With Luka Doncic and Kristaps Porzingis leading the way, we had a serious chance of going far in the playoffs this year. A good shooter like Seth is always appreciated, by I have to honor his decision to better himself, even if it means premeditating and committing a murder in order to assume the identity of his more succesful older brother.”

Steph is one of the most prolific basketball players of our time, but also makes an impact off the court. Apart from being the first unanimous MVP in NBA history and winning three championships with the Golden State Warriors, the elder Curry is also a family man.

“The hardest person to convince is going to be Steph’s wife Ayesha,” Seth explains. “It’ll be easy with the kids, but the whole being married thing may be a little harder, especially because I have to leave my wife for all this to work out. Also, I don’t know if I’ll be as charitable with the money. Screw Howard athletics, I want a yacht!”

The Second String tried to reach out to Steph Curry about the matter, but he had unfortunately recently been murdered and his body’s whereabouts are currently unknown.

Outerstuff Stephen Curry
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