Roger Goodell Says Spanking Not Out of the Question for Patriots Punishment

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Eric Christian Smith, Associated Press

Looking to take a hard stance on the scandal involving the Patriots taping the Bengals’ sideline prior to a week 15 matchup in Cincinnati, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has confirmed that a good spanking is not out of the question in his consideration for possible punishments.

“We haven’t decided on anything definitively, but this could easily go further than a mere finger wag,” Goodell says. “I could see a good spanking in the Patriots’ future, during which I will definitely tell them what naughty boys they have been.”

Along with being one of the NFL’s elite teams for almost two decades, the Patriots have been commonly mired in scandal, including Deflategate, Spygate and now Spygate 2.0. Owner Robert Kraft says that this incident was an “unintended oversight,” in which a film crew unintentionally violated NFL regulations while getting footage for an episode of “Do Your Job,” a series the team has been producing since the beginning of 2019.

“We aren’t ignoring the explanation from Kraft and the team,” Goodell continues. “Regardless, they have been behaving very poorly, and I intend to act swiftly. I hope that before the week is through I’ll be dressed in my full skin-tight leather outfit with paddle in hand, ready to give them a spanking they’ll never forget.”

The more Goodell discussed the matter with The Second String, the more willing he seemed to resort to the unorthodox physical form of punishment. While past punishments have included suspensions, fines and the loss of draft picks, Goodell has expressed interest in taking this a different route.

“Maybe there will be suspension involved,” Goodell acquiesces. “I could suspend Bill Belichick from the ceiling using some wires or rope and whip his bare behind, all while he repeats how naughty he has been and how much he deserves this.”

The relationship between Goodell and the Patriots has always been under question, given the suspensions levied for the Deflategate scandal were criticised for being too tame. There appears to be some affinity between the two parties, which Goodell did not directly refute.

“This spanking will be many things, but tame is not one of them,” Goodell says. “Unless Robert Kraft says ‘Pineapple,’ in which case I’ll tone things down a bit so we all feel more safe.”

In an eye-for-an-eye type of twist, videotaping may have a role in the Patriots’ punishment.

“Oh it will certainly be taped,” Goodell says. “However, that will be for my office’s records only.”

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