Lamar Jackson to Give Derrick Henry Lunch Money for Remainder of Playoffs

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Getty Images

Claiming his status as top dog in the AFC by forcing likely-MVP Lamar Jackson to submit to his will, Tennessee Titans running back Derrick Henry will now receive the Ravens quarterback’s lunch money for the remainder of the playoffs.

“Here you are Derrick,” Jackson tells the fellow former Heisman winner, handing over the $6.80 he had saved away for a hot school lunch. “I hope this is good enough for you. I’ll do your homework for you while you play in the AFC Championship if you want.”

The Titans absolutely bullied the one-seed Ravens, pulling off the biggest upset of the postseason and one of the most memorable in recent playoff history. Riding off the high of a 14-2 season, Jackson and the Ravens were heavy Superbowl favorites. Now, the six-seed Titans will play in the winner of the Texans and Chiefs in the AFC title game.

“Brady thought he could beat me, Lamar thought he could beat me,” Henry says, wearing a faded letterman while drinking a bear on the hood of his dad’s old Mustang. “But they can all eat my shorts. I’m the big man on campus now.”

Henry was absolutely dominant, rushing for 195 yards and averaging an astonishing 6.5 yards per carry. This is in contrast to Jackson, who had one of his worst games of the season, throwing one touchdown against two picks and a fumble.

Clearly, this was a loss that no one saw coming. To understand the mental state of the Louisville alum, The Second String called on our resident psychologist, Dr. Aidan Eno, a researcher at Beloit College in Wisconsin.

“This was Lamar’s second career playoff game, and his first since Joe Flacco was traded,” Eno explains. “He had mad ‘first day of school’ energy. And this is a guy who, continuing this metaphor, did really well in middle school. So he thinks he has it all under control, and then he totally shits the bed and Derrick Henry runs for almost 200 yards. That’s the proverbial equivalent and slamming Lamar against the lockers and giving him a swirly. It’s not surprising that Jackson reverted back to some childlike tendencies and offered Henry his lunch money.”

It’s unclear how Jackson will respond after this game. Once renowned for his confidence and swagger, Jackson is now lost. Aside from picking up his MVP trophy in a couple of weeks, it’s difficult to see what the future holds.

“We’ll handle this situation as a family,” Lamar’s mom Felicia Jones says while fixing her son’s wedgie. “If things get too bad with this Derrick kid, we may transfer leagues or try home-footballing instead.”

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