by Alex Poletti
Photo by John Bazemore, Associated Press
Following their dismissal of manager Alex Cora due to his connection with the Astros cheating scandal, the Boston Red Sox have cut out the middleman altogether and decided to hire a camera in center field as their next manager.
“Alex played a central role in what went on in Houston,” team president and CEO Sam Kennedy says. “But he didn’t have nearly as critical of a role as the camera the team clandestinely installed in centerfield. If we want to have the kind of dynasty they did, why waste our time with someone like Alex when the real deal was still available?”
A few days ago, Major League Baseball concluded that the Houston Astros violated rules about using electronic devices to steal signs. In Houston’s case, the team picked up signs using a camera in the batter’s eye at MinuteMaid Park, which was relayed to a television in the hallway leading to the home dugout. Cora was the bench coach at the time.
The Red Sox, though, are no role models for morality in this matter either. After Cora left Houston following their asterisked 2017 Championship, he was signed as Boston’s manager, where he implemented a similar season en route to a 2018 title. The commissioner’s office has yet to reach a conclusion in that investigation, but punishments are expected to be similar to those handed out to Houston staff.
“We brought Alex to houston because of the visionary approach he took to managing,” Kennedy continues. “It turns out the only visionary idea he had was putting a camera in centerfield. Now that we can get the camera itself at a much cheaper price, we thought we might as well pounce on the offer.”
This method of sign stealing proved outrageously successful for both of Cora’s teams. Both teams had the highest team batting average by a nine-point margin. For those hoping the Red Sox would be a beacon of justice during this fraught new era of Major League history, this signing isn’t a great sign.
“We didn’t part was with Alex because of the murky waters of his morality,” team owner John Henry confirms. “We don’t really care that he cheated, it’s just that the job was so slipshod. If we can find a manager that can cheat just as well, but doesn’t have the human tendencies to make it so obvious, that’s our best candidate. So we eliminated the human aspect altogether.”