by Alex Poletti
Photo by JEFF ROBERSON / AP
An identity crisis struck Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid following his team’s AFC Championship victory over the Tennessee Titans, as he stared at himself in the mirror for hours afterwards, not able to recognize the successful coach he has become.
“I see my reflection, everything’s there,” Reid says. “The bushy mustache, the librarian-style glasses. But it’s not the same man I knew. This new person can actually perform in the playoffs. He doesn’t choke. I just don’t know who I am anymore.”
Reid’s Chiefs fought back from an early deficit to win the game easily by a score of 35-24. This clinched the former Eagles head coach the second Super Bowl appearance of his career. While this may seem like an event to celebrate, this is just Reid’s second conference championship win out of seven tries — a distinct departure from the reality to which the Los Angeles Native has become accustomed.
“I finally learned to love myself for who I am,” Reid, whose team lost in the AFC title game last year, says. “And just as soon as I get there, everything changes. Who am I now with this Super Bowl appearance? Am I still Andy?”
Reid has worked as a head coach for 20 years and has accrued 221 wins, the sixth most in NFL history and the most of any manager without a championship ring. It’s hard to imagine, but Reid may actually be shedding his reputation for overmanaging his playoff teams to defeat.
“I tinkered with my defense so much,” Reid says to himself in the mirror. “I called for a jet sweep like five times. Usually, this would destroy my team. But instead I get 35 points of offense and I limit Derrick Henry to 69 yards? That doesn’t seem like me at all.”
Reid, and the rest of the football community, is yet to figure out how this all happened. Has he lost weight? Picked up yoga? Had is chakras opened up by a small Istanbulite woman? Not that he can recall.
“I don’t know why this is all happening to me now,” Reid says, blasting “Reflection” from “Mulan” while examining himself shirtless. “What have I done to deserve this? Thank God I still have one more week to mess this up. If not, I don’t know if I’ll be able to call myself Andy Reid any more.”
*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.