by Alex Poletti
Photo by Chuck Cook-USA TODAY Sports
It’s been a good year for San Francisco quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo. Not only has the former Patriot found his way to the Super Bowl, but he recently overtook Jesus of Nazareth, the lord and savior of the Christian religion, in a new poll of most popular Jesuses in San Francisco, a report by The Second String shows.
“For the first time since we started tracking the popularity of people named Jesus, Jesus Christ is not holding the top spot,” pollster for The Second String Chuck Lam-Lu says. “Granted, Jesus Christ hasn’t gotten a lot of competition in the past, but this is still pretty surprising.”
As one of the most popular figures of all time, it’s no surprise that Jesus Christ, son of God, has consistently topped polls of top Jesuses for the past 2,000 years. As Lam-Lu suggests, though, he has really only faced competition from a few minor soccer and baseball players over the years. With the addition of Jimmy Garoppolo, often referred to as Jimmy Geesus, the Lamb of God finally sees an adversary at his level.
“We are already talking about a city with tendencies of heathenry,” San Francisco pastor Don Christie says. “So when you couple that with a superstar on the rise, it isn’t hard to see why this is such a close race. Jesus may have led the Christians to salvation, but Jimmy Geesus led the 49ers to the Super Bowl. It’s a toss up.”
Garoppolo came over to the 49ers in October of 2017 in a trade with the New England Patriots. His career with San Francisco began well with five wins in his first five starts. With his charismatic presence and seemingly supernatural leadership skills, fans soon started to draw connections.
“When you think about it, they both have a lot in common,” Christie continues. “They obviously get a lot of credit for stuff their dads did—Garoppolo’s dad being Tom Brady, of course. They also both have close relationships to a sex worker, as Garoppolo’s relationship with adult film star Kiara Mia indicates. Not to mention they both have reputations for having chiseled six pack abs.”
In August of last year, The Second String reported that Jimmy Geesus must be at the crucifixion stage of his career following a 0.0 preseason passer rating game. We didn’t know how right we were, as Garoppolo has been reborn as a Super Bowl quarterback, leading the Jews 49ers to the promised land.
The final poll saw Jimmy Garoppolo in the one spot, Jesus Christ close behind him and dark horse candidate Raheem Mostert in third.
*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.