Philip Rivers Decides to Leave Chargers, Start Own Football Team with His 53 Children

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

In a move that surprised many in the National Football League, Philip Rivers announced that he will not re-sign with the Los Angeles Chargers. Rather than explore playing for other teams, the eight-time Pro Bowler has decided to start his own NFL team, now that he has enough children to field a full 53-man roster.

“I’d first like to thank the Chargers for all they’ve given me these past 17 years,” Rivers says. “But now, I think it’s time to start a new chapter in my life. My wonderful wife Tiffany and I recently welcomed our 53rd child into this world. Now that we’ve reached that number, we can finally start our own team.”

The 38-year-old Rivers has been the model of consistency during his days with the Chargers, having started every game for the bolts since September 11, 2006. Rivers, a devout Roman-Catholic, has been just as consistent off the field, developing a reputation for churning out babies like butter with his significant other.

“I thought Tiffany and I would stop at five,” the North Carolina State graduate says, “because adding five new lives to the world seemed like the easiest way to get a good offensive line for San Diego. Once number six came out, we had to reconsider. By the time we got to 12, we’d already surpassed a full offense, so we decided to go all out.”

Rivers is generally considered one of the best quarterbacks of his era, but a talent gone to waste, as the Chargers were never able to make a Super Bowl during his time as a player. He hopes that he can take some of this experience to help him become a better father.

“I learned a lot from missing out on a Super Bowl,” Rivers explains. “Basically, the Chargers promised me a lot of good things and could never follow through, which led to me resenting them. If that doesn’t sound like every Catholic father-son relationship, I don’t know what does.”

Though 53 is a nice number for Philip and Tiffany, they can’t count out the possibility that a few more little ones may be just around the corner.

“We think we’re done, but we said that after we had our third kid named Gunner,” Rivers says. “But things change in an instant. You never know when you’re gonna need another few littluns for the practice squad.”

Rivers says he hopes to base the team in San Diego. That way, he can move to LA in a few years when the kids get old enough.

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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