Dodgers Acquire Mookie Betts from Red Sox for Some Outfielder, I Guess

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Greg M. Cooper-USA TODAY Sports

The power balance of Major League Baseball has swung in the favor of the Los Angeles Dodgers after acquiring 2018 AL MVP Mookie Betts from the Boston Red Sox. In return, a reporter for The Second String informs us that the Red Sox will get some outfielder, I guess, and maybe a pitcher I think.

“I know Mookie is going to the Dodgers,” Second String reporter Ndunzi Kushner says. “I think the package for him included some guy, a center fielder. Maybe a corner outfielder? It’s hard to recall. It was hard to hear over the collective cries of everyone in Boston.”

Betts is a Boston icon at just 27, leading his team to the World Series victory in 2018. Now, he’ll be playing for the very team he beat in that Series. A fan favorite and widely considered one of the top five players in baseball, he will contribute to a lineup that already includes 2019 NL MVP Cody Bellinger and All-Star Justin Turner.

“We know the asking price was steep,” Kushner reports from Fenway. “So that leads me to believe they got something good in return, but the crying is so loud over here that it’s really hard to say. I’m pretty sure I could make the syllable “pi-” out on [Red Sox Chief Baseball Officer Chaim] Bloom’s lips, so maybe there was a pitcher involved.”

Regardless, it doesn’t seem like the Dodgers had to give up much, as their core pitching staff and lineup remains in tact. Also, they didn’t lose any prospects from their top 30, meaning they left the deal with virtually no losses.

“I think this deal benefits both sides,” President of Baseball Operations for the Dodgers Andrew Friedman says with a shiteating grin. “No, for sure, definitely this was an equal trade. I mean we gave up some people that are definitely baseball players. And we got Mookie Betts, who is barely the second best player on the planet. So I think that’s fair.”

Kushner also reports that another team might have been involved, but who cares.

After this trade, the Dodgers are the assumed favorites to win it all after disappointing with a NLDS loss last season. While the Nationals lost their star third baseman and the Astros lost all credibility and respect as a franchise, Los Angeles only added to their stock.

“We’re in a great position to win,” manager Dave Roberts admits. “Maybe if we hire Alex Cora to help us cheat, we could actually win this year!

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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