Jon Jones Wins Title of Person You Don’t Want to Run Into in a Dark Alleyway at UFC 247

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images

Jon Jones had a night to remember on Saturday, not only retaining the UFC light heavyweight title against Dominick Reyes, but also being named the last person you want to run into in a dark alleyway at night by a unanimous decision.

“He has a stunning combination of precision and strength,” color commentator Jon Anik says. “Once you consider his size of 6’4 and weight of 207 pounds, it’s evident that this is a guy you do not want to fuck with.”

With the victory at UFC 247, Jones won his 14th title fight, passing Georges St-Pierre for the most of all time. With a career record of 26-1, including 20 wins in the UFC, Jones has made it clear that he’s not one to mess around.

He faced stiff competition for the title in Dominick Reyes, with Reyes actually landing more significant strikes. Though the decision was unanimous, the margin was razor-thin, with the biggest differential coming in at 49-46. Still, Jones came out victorious, showing how dangerous he can be in the ring.

“Getting into a fight with Jon Jones is the third most dangerous thing you can do,” The Second String’s resident statistician Greg Heidtke says. “The only things that have proved more deadly are swimming with Saltwater Crocodiles and attending public school in America without gun control laws. If you’re looking to have all of your bones broken, we suggest bumping into Jon Jones after he’s waited in a long Starbucks line and spilling his drink, and then calling him an asshole.”

Despite his strong effort, Reyes was handed the first loss of his career. Down to the very end, the judges were considering giving him the victory. However, some of them weren’t ready to face the consequences that might accompany that decision.

“I was honestly going to give the fight to Dominick,” Joe Solis, one of the three judges of the title fight, admits. “But then I remember that I parked my car right next to Jon Jones. I knew we’d both be two of the last people out of Toyota Center, and the prospect of being alone with Jon Jones after I gave his opponent the victory made me instinctively shit my pants a little.”

Jones hasn’t made a decision as to when or if he will return to the UFC. In the meantime, if you see him in a parking lot or alley late at night, we recommend immediately entering the fetal position for maximum protection, or roll on your back and expose your jugular and hope it’s a swift death.

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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