Myles Garrett Commits Double-Homicide to Get Back In Good Graces of NFL

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Getty

It was a rough season for Cleveland Browns defensive end Myles Garrett, not only because he was a defensive end for the Cleveland Browns, but also because he was suspended indefinitely following an altercation with Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Mason Rudolph on November 14. Fortunately for the 2017 first overall draft pick, Garrett will get a fresh start after murdering two people to get back in the NFL’s good graces.

“I was trying all this time to apologize for my actions and help the community,” Garrett says, “but then I remembered that I was playing in the NFL. The way to Roger Goodell’s heart isn’t through community outreach, it’s through stabbing two people and watching the life drain from their eyes.”

The NFL has a long history with players committing crimes, with several cases of domestic abuse, sexual assault and murder appearing over the years. Famously, Ray Lewis was arrested on a double-homicide charge in 2000 while still a member of the Baltimore Ravens.

“You look at the stars in this league—Tyreek Hill, Antonio Brown, Ray Rice—they all have one thing in common,” Garrett explains. “They all have committed heinous crimes. If I want to prove that I’m truly an asset for the NFL, I have to play by their rules.”

The Texas A&M alum did just that, walking into a random club in Cleveland and committing murder. After he was done, he received a free round of drinks from the bartender. Not only did the city immediately forgive him, but the league came to their senses and reinstated him.

“This was just our way to push him,” league commissioner Roger Goodell says. “When he swung his helmet at Mason Rudolph, we thought, ‘Woah, this guy has what it takes.’ We always knew he had the potential to become a true NFL star, he just needed the extra push. When I read the news that he was arrested on double-homicide charges, I’d never been prouder.”

With the Mason Rudolph snafu behind him, Garrett can go back to his high-level play and help lead the Browns to another 7-9 season. With his legacy already cemented and his talent only increasing, there’s nowhere to go but up.

“When you look at his career trajectory, it’s incredible,” resident statistician for The Second String Gabriel Radtke says. “He’s on pace to put up Hall-worthy numbers on the field. Off the field, with the double-homicide, he’s put himself in elite company. Even the greats haven’t been able to do that at such a young age. Just think, O.J. couldn’t pull that off until after he retired.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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