Tom Brady Says He’s ‘Seriously Considering’ Offer from Head and Shoulders Shampoo

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Winslow Townson

The biggest question of the football off-season keeps getting more and more complicated. Six-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady told The Second String on Sunday that he is “seriously considering” signing with Head and Shoulders shampoo, following an impressive pitch they made last week.

“They had a really good presentation,” Brady says. “I like the direction they’re heading in. Being a part of the Head and Shoulders team is something I’m seriously considering.”

While the Head and Shoulders team is sparse, the cornerstone pieces are there, with 2010 NFL Defensive Player of the Year Troy Polamalu heading up the defense. This Super Bowl, they also added 2018 MVP Patrick Mahomes to that, but it’s unaware if the shampoo company would keep two Pro-Bowl quarterbacks in the event that they sign Brady.

“This is one of those opportunities that doesn’t come around very often,” Brady says, stroking his incredible and probably fake hair. “A few years ago, Head and Shoulders would never have taken a gamble on me like this. There are a lot of options going forward.”

While his numbers declined, Brady experienced a hair Renaissance in 2019, growing out luscious locks after he began to bald a few seasons prior. So far, scientists have yet to discover why Brady’s hair has changed so much. Extensions? Rogaine? Gisele Bündchen’s secret sauce? It’s hard to tell.

“We don’t know what is going on, but we know that it’s working,” David Taylor, CEO of Procter & Gamble, the parent company of Head and Shoulder, says. “We don’t want to see how the sausage gets made. Just like how no one wants to see what we really put in our shampoo. It’s best if we all keep our heads down.”

While Brady’s initial comments on the subject have already put Patriots fans in a drunk, New England rage, many think that Brady has overstated the appeal of the offer. After all, an ominous twitter post from late January turned out to be nothing more than a Super Bowl ad.

“Maybe the offer is just recommending that he use some shampoo at all,” Pats fan Denny O’Brien says. “If I owned a shampoo company, I’d definitely tell him to put some stuff in that greasy mane of his. Do we even know if he uses sunscreen? Is that against the TB12 diet?”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.


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