Kyrie Irving Elected VP of Players’ Union: Petitions to Make Balls Flat to Mirror Shape of Earth

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Brad Penner

Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving was elected as the vice president of the National Basketball Players Association, replacing Pau Gasol after his three-year term expired. Irving went straight to work following the election, proposing to replace balls with frisbees in order to better replicate the shape of the Earth.

“I think there are a few squeaky wheels that need the grease in this league,” the new Veep says. “First and foremost, there is a complete lack of respect for the truth that the world we live on is flat. Every time we see a sphere in the media, we perpetuate this idea that the Earth is round. It’s time for the NBA to remove itself from that vicious cycle by supporting flat alternatives to basketballs.”

Irving has not yet released a prototype for what a flat ball would look like, but our team at The Second String has come up with a model, similar in size and shape to a frisbee. While this may alter the way that basketball is played, Irving believes that is a minor inconvenience.

“What do you mean a flat ball won’t bounce?” the 2016 NBA champion says. “Y’all been spending too much time focused on gravity. At the end of the day, if we take down the illuminati, then their control of gravity is gone. We can decide what bounces and what doesn’t after that.”

The “Uncle Drew” star has been the subject of social media scrutiny in the past for his beliefs in numerous conspiracies, including that the Earth is flat and the Federal Reserve was responsible for the assassination of John F. Kennedy.

“This was the right time for me to run for a leadership position in the NBPA,” Irving explains. “With the lizard people all focused on the 2020 Presidential election, I felt this was the best chance for an outsider like me to slip into a position of authority and start dismantling the system from the inside.”

While Irving certainly has a veteran presence in the league, he’s a surprise choice for the VP position. He hasn’t made a name for himself as a particularly great teammate, nor has he had much success with interpersonal relationships throughout the league. He’s somehow the jock that got elected class vice president in a school where every student plays professional basketball.

“Honestly, he just needed something to do,” union president Chris Paul says. “We all feel bad for him since he plays for Brooklyn, he has nothing really to do but sit around and get into Twitter wars. We thought this might be good for him, getting him a hobby and all.”

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