MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred Says World Series Trophy Only Valuable in Metal-Starved Apocalypse

by Alex Poletti
Photo by LM Otero/Associated Press

Coming under fire recently for calling the World Series “just a piece of metal” with regard to the Astros cheating scandal, Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred doubled down on Wednesday, saying that the only way the trophy would ever have value is in the event of an apocalypse that leaves the world without a sufficient supply of metal materials, thus creating an economy around the resource.

“It’s a piece of metal. That’s it,” Manfred says. “It has no value to anyone whatsoever, unless we’re in a post-society world where all governments and corporations have collapsed, thereby creating an brutal, anarchal landscape in which every man must fend for himself, making metals valuable for their versatility in shelter-building, defense and weaponry.”

Manfred has faced scrutiny in the past few months over his handling of the Astros sign-stealing scandal, for which no players were disciplined. He has backed his decision that the Astros will not be stripped of the title and trophy, saying that each fan can make their own determination about the merits of that victory.

“When it comes down to it, it’s not on me to decide whether that’s a valid World Series win,” Manfred explains. “I mean, that’s legitimately my job, but it’s not on me. Especially when we have a pressing, potentially catastrophic event which will make the value of metal sky-rocket, finally giving some meaning, sentimental or otherwise, to the World Series trophy.”

Though his point was clearly made, Manfred continued to talk about the logistics of the post-Apocalyptic economy, seeming to give it more care than any issue he’s faced during his tenure as league commissioner.

“When you think about it, Marx’s theories presented in Das Kapital suggest that we need some sort of currency given our current ideology,” Manfred drones on. “In a world where money no longer exists, and more so cannot exist, we will revert back to a trade economy until something becomes so valuable that it assumes the position of currency. It’s between oil or metal, but given that I’m currently trying to justify why anyone could conceivably have any attachment to the Commissioner’s Trophy, let’s say it’s metal.”

Though Manfred continued to dive deeper into economic theories to prove how little the trophy meant, he summed up his thoughts nicely at the end of his press conference.

“I guess what I’m really trying to say is fuck baseball fans,” Manfred concludes.

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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