Gonzaga Basketball Looking into Possibility that Magic Underpants Gave BYU Unfair Advantage in Upset Victory

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Jeffrey Swinger-USA TODAY Sports

The March Madness upset machine came early for No. 2 Gonzaga, who let their guard down and lost to the No. 23 BYU Cougars; however, the Bulldogs are looking into a possible conspiracy, claiming that the Mormon underwear worn by many of the BYU players gave them an unfair advantage.

“I’m not saying they did anything illegal,” Gonzaga head coach Mark Few starts, “but I think we need to consider the possibility that the underwear isn’t fair. First of all, it gives them a ton of extra padding. I think it gives them the confidence they need to get a little more physical without fear of getting hurt.”

BYU was in charge the whole game, ending the first with a commanding 46-38 lead, only to widen that margin in the second for a final score of 91-78. It was only the Zags’ second loss of the season, the first coming at the hands of Michigan in late November.

“You know, we’ve been a top tier program for the whole year,” Few continues. “It just makes you wonder, what about the Cougars could throw us off? I’ll admit, the prayer circle at the beginning of the game was a surprise, but I don’t think that alone could take us out. Maybe they put something in their pre-game milk. I’m just saying it’s possible.”

The loss occurred on Gonzaga’s senior night, adding some extra insult. While any victory against a top school is impressive many pundits speculate that the Cougars wouldn’t have won if not for the seniors starting.

“I just don’t see a way that this happens if it’s not on Senior Night,” Stephen A. Smith says. “I mean, of course they’re going to suffer when they play their oldest, most experienced players.”

The Bulldogs are still reeling from the loss, trying to grapple with the fact that they lost to a bunch of white Mormon kids.

“It doesn’t make a lot of sense, if I’m being honest,” Gonzaga forward Killian Tillie says. “Maybe the underwear is actually blessed. Does the power of God count as a performance-enhancing drug?”

On the other hand, the members of the BYU team celebrated the win in the best way they knew how.

“The milk and water came out last night,” 23-year-old guard Jake Toolson says. “It got a little rowdy in the locker room. I’m just glad that my wife and seven kids could see me take on a school like Gonzaga.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.


Ouray Sportswear NCAA Gonzaga Bulldogs
Epic Washed Twill Cap, Navy


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