Astros Unveil New Bubble Wrap Away Game Uniforms for 2020

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Frank Franklin II/Associated Press

The Astros are gearing up for the retribution facing them in 2020 in style. A few weeks into spring training, the team unveiled their new bubble-wrap uniforms that they’ll be wearing for all 81 away games this upcoming season.

“These new uniforms are the latest in sports technology,” Astros owner Jim Crane says. “At the base level is style the cotton-polyester hybrid, so athletes are granted full mobility. On top of that, we have a layer of high-quality bubble wrap so our players don’t get broken by pitches thrown at them by the second week of the season.”

The Astros became the undisputed villains of Major League Baseball this offseason after the commissioner’s office concluded they used technology illegally to steal signs from opponents during home games in 2017 en route to a World Series victory. Fans predict the Astros’ batters will be paying the price next season at the plate.

“People may think that we’re doing this because we’re afraid pitchers are going to hit us, but that’s not true,” Crane continues. “We’re actually wearing these uniforms in honor of the 63rd anniversary of the invention of bubble wrap by two North Carolina inventors. So you can see why it’s meaningful to us.”

The uniform seems to consist of a standard Astros away jersey with bubble wrap super-glued on top. Despite the fact that the increased volume around the body makes Jose Altuve look like Randy from “Christmas Story,” players seem to be taking a liking to the change.

“These new uniforms look dope,” Alex Bregman, third baseman and candidate for a cameo in an “Animal House” remake, says. “Can’t wait to waddle to first base in style.”

Despite Crane’s obfuscations, it’s clear that these uniforms were designed to protect the Houston hitters, despite the fact that Rob Manfred has shown more interest in punishing players who hit the Astros than he has punishing the Astros themselves.

“I will reign with an iron fist,” the commissioner says. “Anyone who dares express his disdain for players who ruined the integrity of the sport in a manner that has been customary in baseball for a hundred years will feel my wrath.”

Unfortunately for the Astros, it seems that covering the players in bubble wrap may only add to the problem.

“I love popping bubble wrap,” Reds pitcher Trevor Bauer says. “Man, plunking George Springer is going to be cathartic on so many levels now.

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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