Christian Yelich, Brewers Agree on Nine-Broken-Knee-Cap Deal Worth $215 Million

by Alex Poletti
Photo by NY Post

2018 NL MVP Christian Yelich has agreed to a deal that will keep him with the Milwaukee Brewers for his next nine broken knee caps for a grand total of $215 million.

“We’re excited to keep Yelich in Milwaukee,” Brewers general manager David Stearns says. “He’s such a pivotal part of this squad, and we can’t wait to see what he accomplishes within his next nine knee cap injuries.”

Yelich has been one of the best players in baseball over the past two seasons, winning the MVP in 2018 and finishing runner-up in 2019. He was on pace to win the award before breaking his knee cap during an at-bat in September, which sidelined him for the rest of the season.

“It was a shame what happened to Christian down the stretch,” Brewers manager Craig Counsell says. “But luckily, we’ll get to see it nine more times before he’s done playing here.”

Despite losing out on MVP honors last year, he had the best statistical season of his career, getting career highs in batting average and home runs. He led all of Major League Baseball with a 1.100 OPS.

The deal lasts for the next nine knee injuries the former Marlin will sustain, whether they be on or off the field. This adds another layer of difficulty for the superstar outfielder, who now has to be mindful of his behavior off the field.

“It’s definitely something to think about,” the left power hitter explains. “I’ve got to be careful all the time. If I trip while doing yardwork or something, that’s a ninth of my contract gone right there. Before this, I was just going to let injuries haphazardly happen.”

Stearns admits that the contract is rather peculiar, given that the length will be measured in injuries instead of years. However, Stearns doesn’t see much of a difference.

“He had a back injury in 2018 and of course the knee cap injury in 2019,” the general manager says. “Given his injury history and our shitty luck as a franchise, measuring this in years or injuries is roughly going to be the same.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

New Era Milwaukee Brewers

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