by Dale DePalatis
Photo by Associated Press
According to exclusive reports, the metal trash cans with which all MLB dugouts are equipped have been removed from the visiting Astros dugout this year right before the Houston players arrive, causing difficulty for the ‘Stros in their cheating endeavors.
“It just isn’t fair!” exclaimed second baseman Jose Altuve in a postgame interview after the team’s 2-1 loss to the Miami Marlins. “This is the fourth away game in a row that we can’t find a trash can! They’ve been giving us standard issue plastic garbage bags instead!”
The baseball world was rocked by one of its biggest scandals in recent years, revolving around the Houston Astros’ use of metal trash cans to bang out communication between the dugout and the batter. Using electronic surveillance techniques that steal the catcher’s signs, the Astros have been helping their hitters anticipate the next pitch. This worked to especially good effect during their 2017 World Series championship run, leading to Houston taking home the prize.
“How are we supposed to play the game to our best ability without trash cans?” Altuve continues. “They’re not even letting us use our buzzers anymore!”
The investigative reporters at The Second String continued to dig into the story, specifically asking Altuve about the use of buzzers in 2017.
“Oh, did I say buzzer? I meant that I’ve been hearing a strange buzzing since I got beaned last night for the third time. I wasn’t talking about those buzzy things we put in our uniforms to steal the signals with–I mean those things that we don’t have anymore–er–never had and didn’t do…” he trailed off lamely.
The Astros new manager Dusty Baker swiftly came to Altuve’s defense.
“Don’t listen to him. His brain is a little messed up with all the errant pitches we’ve seen recently,” Baker explains. “The MLB found what they found, and we’re moving on from there. We’ve seen the light and will never use technology to do anything wrong again.”
Once Dusty left the room, giving an innocuous wink to Altuve, the All-Star second baseman explained his plans for the upcoming season.
“I got an email from my old pal Beltran who said that he’s been experimenting with blowing up the plastic trash bags they’ve been giving us to put trash in and popping them really loud,” the former MVP says. “The only problem is that we haven’t been able to get the pop loud enough for our batters to hear. We’ve put in a request for heavy duty Glad trash bags, but so far they’ve only given us these wussy Safeway-brand ones. We’ll figure out some way to win for the fans, no matter what!”
Altuve later confirmed that their plan to win for the fans would not include playing without illegal advantages.