Brooklyn Nets Fire Head Coach Kenny Atkinson to Prove to New York They Also a Disaster

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Brandon Dill/Associated Press

Always playing second fiddle to the New York Knicks, the Brooklyn Nets have made some moves to show that there’s room for more than one terrible basketball team can fit in the city. The Second String reports that the Nets and head coach Kenny Atkinson mutually agreed to part ways. Further reporting suggests that they mutually agreed to call it a mutual agreement instead of an outright firing to make Atkinson feel better.

“We’re doing our best to be New York’s team,” general manager Sean Marks says. “And if we want to best the Knicks, we need to beat them at their own game—massively disappointing New Yorkers every year. I think this is a good first step to doing so.”

In a season where their newest addition has been more valuable in Twitter beefs than on the court, the Nets are holding their own, sitting six games under .500 and holding on to the seventh seed in the Eastern Conference. However, this was apparently too much for the ownership, who decided Atkinson was doing a disservice to the team.

“Kevin Durant is sitting out the entire season,” Marks explains. “This was our chance to really eat shit and give New York some games fitting for Madison Square Garden. Instead, Kenny actually tried to bring the team together and encourage them to win ball games. It just seemed like we were on different pages.”

Even with the signing of Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving over the offseason, it’s hard to imagine the Nets ever catching the Knicks in terms of popularity, despite the fact that Knicks fans have consistently led cheers demanding owner James Dolan sell the team.

“They kicked out their most famous fan, Spike Lee, the other day,” Marks says. “In response, we also kicked out our most famous fan and a true Brooklyn icon: a mediocre $8 latte with oat milk.”

The Nets have yet to announce who they’ll tap to succeed Atkinson, but it looks like they’ll be searching for a verified New Yorker to appeal to the locals.

“We’re trying to find someone with big New York energy to lead the squad,” Marks says, “someone who will really resonate with sports fans in Brooklyn. So far we’re thinking Barbra Streisand, but we’re open to other options as well.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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