Utah Jazz Starting to Wonder If Cutting Gatorade with Rudy Gobert’s Mucus Not the Best Idea

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Jennifer Stewart-USA TODAY Sports

After Utah Jazz center Rudy Gobert tested positive for COVID-19, effectively shutting down the 2020 NBA season, management and players alike have started to wonder if they could have done more to prevent the spread of the virus. The Utah Jazz is no exception, as they have now begun to question if cutting the team’s supply of gatorade with Rudy Gobert’s mucus wasn’t the best idea after all.

“We were running low on gatorade and Rudy Gobert was producing a lot of bodily fluids,” Jazz president Jim Olson says. “It seemed like a good idea at the time. It was cost-effective and it tasted about the same. But I guess we could have handled it a bit better.”

Reports say the Jazz started cutting the gatorade in mid-February, as the virus was reaching the United States. Though most people began to take precautions, Gobert and the Jazz did not. In fact, just two days before he tested positive for the coronavirus, Rudy Gobert mocked the cleanliness of others by touching every microphone at a press conference.

“I understand how people may view my actions as careless now,” Gobert says, “but in the moment I was just trying to do my best to benefit the team. I was trying my best to produce as much mucus as possible, drinking gallons of milk and coughing up as much as I could. I found that if I let some other people cough into my mouth first, especially those who had spent prolonged amounts of time in Italy and China, I started to cough more. It was the least I could do for my team.’

Gibert isn’t the only one to fall ill to the coronavirus, as his teammate Donovan Mitchell also tested positive for the virus on Thursday. This is especially bad news for the Jazz, as now both of their 2020 All-Stars have caught the disease.

“Is there something about playing effective basketball that makes you especially susceptable to coronavirus?” head coach Quin Snyder says. “Joe Ingles couldn’t have taken one for the team on this one? I feel like this is what bench players are for, no?”

Though the season is on hold, the Jazz will do what they can to keep their players, staff and fans safe heading forward.

“We know we bear some of the responsibility for what’s been happening,” Olson concludes. “We’re thinking of going to a 75-25 percent gatorade-to-mucus mixture instead of the 50-50 split we’ve been experimenting with over the past month. Hopefully that should help.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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