BREAKING: Tom Brady Finds Nice Retirement Community in Tampa Bay

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Winslow Townson

Tom Brady is officially moving on from New England, sources tell The Second String, and will enjoy the next stage of his life in western Florida, where he has found a nice retirement community called the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

“We like to help players at his age and give them the late career they’ve always dreamed of,” retirement community manager Bruce Arians says. “Aside from football, he can enjoy the wonderful golf courses in the area and sit in a rocking chair on the front lawn of his very own townhouse.”

This is a big move for Brady, who has spent the entirety of his 20-year NFL career in the bustling New England metropolis of Boston. However, the years have really taken a toll on the 42-year-old, who was ready for a change of scenery.

“Going to the playoffs, playing 18-plus games a season for all these years has been rough,” Brady explains. “I’ve finally gotten to the point financially where I feel comfortable retiring and moving to a place that’s a little more slow-paced.”

The 48-year-old’s retirement will consist of playing NFL football for a team with no chance of winning the Super Bowl. Now, football is more of a recreational activity for the three-time MVP.

“There was a time in my life when all I cared about was winning rings,” Brady says. “But when you get to my age, you see that there are other things in life. I’m 56 for Christ’s sake. I want to spend more time kissing my wife and children on the mouth, trying to drink enough water to prevent cancer. The important stuff.”

So with that, the 61-year-old heads to NFL hospice. He won’t be alone, as wide receivers Mike Evans and Chris Godwin will make him feel relevant for a few more years. Though it may be difficult to watch from the outside, he won’t know how badly his arm is deteriorating.

“We like to help our residents feel strong, let them think they’re still in their glory days,” Arians explains. “That’s why our staff consists of such great wideout options like Mike and Chris. He’ll go out eventually—we all do—but he’ll go out still thinking he’s the GOAT.”

The Tampa Bay Bucs are likely to have a top-five draft pick for years to come as well, so the 78-year-old QB will never complain about the kids not visiting.

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

New Era NFL Tampa Bay 9FORTY

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