Houston Texans Acquire David Johnson For DeAndre Hopkins, Hopes and Dreams of Winning a Championship

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Jake Roth-USA TODAY

The Houston Texans shocked the world on Tuesday with the biggest trade of the NFL offseason, acquiring running back David Johnson and a second-round pick in exchange for DeAndre Hopkins and any hope of their franchise ever winning the Super Bowl.

“We’re proud to announce that David Johnson will be joining the squad for the upcoming season,” Texans head coach, general manager and man who we are now realizing was given too much power Bill O’Brien says. “We will miss DeAndre Hopkins dearly, as will we miss the hopes and dreams of Texans fans and players.”

With the departure of Lamar Miller and Duke Johnson, the Texans sorely needed a halfback. They solved the need by trading one of the top three receivers in the NFL for a player who hasn’t been relevant since 2016. 

“We think this is the right trade for us at this time,” O’Brien says with Joe Biden-levels of incoherency. “Losing to the Chiefs in the divisional round after leading by so much taught us a lot. Now, without Hopkins, our fans won’t be surprised when we can’t compete with any team worth a damn.”

Viewed as one of last year’s worst playoff teams, the Texans have been searching for a way to move into the upper echelon of NFL franchises heading into the 2020-2021 season. With this trade, they hope they’ve done so, and only at the cost of seriously competing for a Super Bowl in the foreseeable future.

Many pundits think that the Texans gave up too much for Johnson, given his lengthy injury history and general inefficiency over the past three seasons.

“Giving up DeAndre Hopkins is one thing,” football writer Adam Schefter says, “but to also fork up the hopes and dreams of an entire franchise is another, especially when you’re giving up on all those dreams when you trade Hopkins anyway.”

The Texans hope that Johnson will solve their running game, despite the fact that their well-documented weakness lies in the offensive line, which has not been addressed with the same vigor this offseason. 

“Johnson is the perfect fit for this team,” O’Brien says. “He already knows how to get injured, which is great because he’ll be doing a lot of that playing behind our O-line. With him and DeShaun at high risk for re-injury, we think Houston fans will get what they have come to expect from their city: unmitigated disaster.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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