Nick Foles Predicts Bears QB Battle Will Come Down to THIS Metric Sooner or Later

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Reinhold Matay

Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles has something to prove this year after losing his starting job in Jacksonville to rookie Gardner Minshew. Just a year after signing a four-year, $88 million contract with the Jaguars, the former Eagles backup has been traded to the Chicago Bears, where he intends to compete for the quarterback position with former second-overall pick Mitch Trubisky. When asked about the competition, Foles predicts that it will become a dick-measuring contest sooner rather than later.

“Right now it’s civil,” Foles explains, “but things could get hairy when a starting job is at stake. I wouldn’t be surprised if we both have to whip it out and do it the old-fashioned way. Honestly, I’m ready if and when it comes to that.”

Foles may be an advocate for the “more traditional” methods of selecting a quarterback because of his well-known endowment. Word of Foles’ abnormally large appendage spread after former teammate Connor Barwin answered questions about it during a Reddit Q&A.

“I mean, if we know it’s gonna go there at some point, we might as well get it over with now,” Foles reasonably suggests. “I already have mine half-way out at all times, just in case I need a blunt instrument for self defense. If Mitch is ready for it, I’m ready for it.”

Both quarterbacks are coming off of lackluster seasons in the NFL. Foles broke his clavicle in the season opener against the eventual Super Bowl champion Kansas City Chiefs, leading the way for rookie sensation Gardner Minshew to reach Jacksonville superstardom. Trubisky faced another season living under Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson’s shadow, throwing for a meager 17 touchdowns against 10 interceptions.

“I think it’s pretty clear that neither of us lived up to our expectations last season,” the man lovingly called Big Dick Nick says. “So I say we throw past performance out the window and focus on what really matters. Who cares about track record when we have a more important and more accurate indicator of success between our legs at all times?”

Bears general manager Ryan Pace traded a fourth-rounder for Foles, hoping the competition would push Trubisky to fulfill his potential as a first-round quarterback. However, Pace isn’t ruling anything out for the season ahead.

“If Nick wins the starting job, he wins the starting job,” Pace explains. “But he has experience on the bench, and he’s been very effective coming into games as a back-up. However, it’s a little more difficult to bench him, because he takes up two seats for obvious reasons.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

New Era NFL Tampa Bay 9FORTY

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