In Desperate Attempt at Publicity, Washington Wizards Sign Harry Potter to One-Year Contract

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Ranking as the least important Washington sports team after the recent success of the Nationals and Capitals, and with sports declining in influence as a whole during the pandemic, the Washington Wizards announced on Tuesday that they have come to terms with fictional wizard Harry Potter on a one-year contract, hoping it will increase publicity for the squad.

“Potter will be making the league minimum for his first year,” Wizards general manager Tommy Sheppard says. “We believe that he has what it takes to be a contributing member of next year’s team given his work ethic, athleticism and actual magic abilities.”

While many see the Potter signing as nothing more than a publicity stunt, there is some merit to the move, as the boy who lived was a promising athlete during his prep days at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

“People may forget about it now, but Harry was the youngest Seeker at Hogwarts in a century,” Wizards coach Scott Brooks says. “He was a natural, with true athletic ability and a great eye. I think it’d be a fool’s errand to think that skill wouldn’t translate to the basketball court.”

Potter is quite possibly the most popular wizard in 2020, beating out the likes of Merlin and Gandalf. Despite his popularity, some fans and pundits have wondered if Potter was really the best choice to join the Wizards team.

“When it came down to Merlin and Potter, we knew that Harry was fictional,” Sheppard says. “The historicity of Merlin is under a bit more of a debate, but we know that he is absolutely dead. So basically it came down to whether we wanted a dead wizard or a fictional wizard on the team, and we went with our gut.”

Potter is expected to compete with Shabazz Napier for the starting point guard job. If he succeeds in winning the starting job, he will still have to win it from John Wall when he returns from injury. It’s a long road ahead for Potter to become a regular in the rotation, but fans can expect to see him get a few minutes here and there.

“The truth is, Potter was our backup,” Brooks tells The Second String. “We wanted to get Hagrid. At his height and weight, we’d put him at starting center immediately. However, we couldn’t afford him with the max contracts of Wall and Beal.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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