Disappointed Joe Burrow Declines Vineyard Vines Job After Being Drafted First Overall

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Gerald Herbert

As the Cincinnati Bengals selected LSU quarterback Joe Burrow with the first overall selection in the 2020 draft, the usually-smiling Burrow was seen with a less content look on his face. Burrow tells The Second String that now that he has been officially drafted to the NFL, he must forgo his dream of working at the Vineyard Vines store nearest his hometown.

“Playing for the NFL is great, but the only uniform I’ve ever wanted to wear is a checkered shirt, sweater and pretentiously-colored khakis,” Burrow says. “I know that the NFL is where the money is, but part of me is always going to belong to the Columbus Vineyard Vines.”

Burrow, whose height, throw power and race brought John Elway to the brink of orgasm, distanced himself as a slam-dunk first overall pick in the 2019-2020 college football season, passing for an FBS-record 60 touchdowns en route to a Heisman and a National Championship with the LSU Tigers. Though he certainly has the talent to make it to the NFL, that was never his dream.

“Part of me was hoping that they wouldn’t call my name,” Burrow explains. “I was hoping that seven rounds would go by and I’d still be sitting on my couch without an NFL team. That way no one would wonder why I was selling over-priced shorts and matching boat shoes to local upper-middle-class teens. I just needed a way out.”

According to his high school coach, Burrow, perhaps the whitest NFL prospect of all time, was a natural when it came to understanding and marketing the popular Martha’s Vineyard-based clothing line.

“He’d come to practice and he’d be sporting a new belt-hat combo that was way more advanced than anything the other kids were wearing,” Ryan Adams, Burrow’s high school coach says. “He had the drive, the talent and the work ethic to pursue a career. I’m happy for him that he’s found a way to make a living, but I’ll always wonder what might have been for the kid.”

Unfortunately for Burrow, he will have to helm the Cincinnati Bengals offense for the foreseeable future, making millions of dollars in the process. However, he isn’t ready to give up on his dream just yet.

“I’m in Cincinnati now, and there’s actually a Vineyard Vines store in town,” Burrow says. “Granted it’s not the one I imagined working in when I was younger, but it’s something. Maybe I can work there on Mondays and Tuesdays and throughout the offseason. And now that I’m much richer, I think I’ll be more qualified than ever to work there. My journey to become the US ambassador for Yuppie upper-class whites isn’t over. It’s barely begun.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

Joe Burrow Men’s/Youth
Football College Stitched
Jersey Purple/White

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